There are a lot of interesting characters in Los Angeles. If you spend any significant amount of time there you are pretty much guaranteed to cross paths with many of them. What I want to tell you about though is a date I had with someone who would probably qualify as the most psychotic girl in the world
I was sitting in a coffee shop in Redondo Beach, doing homework, with headphones on. It was pretty obvious by my body language that I was not interested in conversation and that I did not want to be bothered by anyone. A cute little red head that I had noticed on the way in came and sat next to me, looked me in the eye, smiled and with a cheerful yet chirping voice said “hi!” Any other time I might have decided to run game on her, but I was not interested in anyone’s company so I looked directly at her and in a not so polite tone said “go away!” She looked at me and said “my name is Shannon.” I said, “look I am really busy right now and I don’t have time to talk to you.” She said “no problem, take my phone number and call me when you have time.” OK then, that was pretty cool. I tucked the phone number in my wallet for a rainy day.
A few weeks later while on a dry spell I decided to call Shannon up and take her out for sushi, then take her to my place and have sex with her. We went to sushi, had a great conversation and tons of sake. She seemed pretty cool until after I picked up the bill and she started complaining that she couldn’t believe that I only spent $50 on her. This is actually fairly common in Los Angeles. Many girls are just looking for guys to spend money on them whether or not they have an intention to sleep with him, or are even interested in him at all. I promptly told her that I wasn’t spending $50 on her and demanded that she coughed up $25 for her half. She stormed out of the restaurant and I walked down to Hermosa Beach to have some drinks with my friends.
A couple of weeks later I was hanging out at my house in Torrance when my cell phone rang. It was Shannon. She said she was sorry for being such a bitch and that she wanted to come over. Since it was 1 am I figured that this sounded like a promising booty call. She came over, and just wanted to talk After an hour, much to her dismay I kicked her out. She called me a week later and said that she wanted to go out for drinks. I told her I was short on money and she said she was buying. Well if nothing else, I couldn’t say no to free drinks. I went and had drinks with her, we talked all night, she kissed me good night and we parted ways.
When I lived in Los Angeles I had a fairly effective rule for not getting bled dry by gold diggers. If I didn’t get laid by the third date then I didn’t call them back. See I don’t really mind spending money on a girl…………. as long as I am getting laid. Shannon tried calling me repeatedly over the next month. I never picked up the phone when she called and I never returned her messages. Finally after a month I got a message from her that went something like this.
“ I know why you aren’t calling me, your one of those three date guys, your not calling me because I didn’t fuck you, what do you want, you want me to suck your cock, you wanna fuck in public, you want me to bring a friend right now, I thought we were more than that, but fine, if that is all you want, then come fuck me right now, fuck me anyway you want, lets fuck, lets do it, if that makes you happy, call me and we will fuck tonight, you fucking lousy asshole, come over here and fuck me right goddamn now!!!”
This message went on for about 6 minutes. There were only two logical responses to a voicemail like this. The first one is to play it for all of your friends. The second is to drive over to the girl’s house and fuck her. I opted to act on both options.
I showed up at Shannon’s house, walked in, and started to take off her shirt. She stopped me and asked if we could go out for a drink first. I sighed and said fine. We went to a bar about 4 miles down the road on Pacific Coast Highway. After about 3 pitchers of beer she was starting to get really shitty and emotional. She started crying, something about a love in a past life or some weird shit like that. I was so turned off by her that I told her to get in the car. I was just going to take her home and accept my losses.
While driving her home she said “you’re not going to fuck me, are you?” I looked at her and said, “anything is possible.” Then she said “pull over at this gas station, I need cigarettes.” I told her that I was not pulling over, that she could go out and get cigarettes after I dropped her off at home. At this point she started beating her fist and her head on the dash of the car while screaming “PULL OVER THE FUCKING CAR RIGHT NOW AND LET ME GET SOME FUCKING CIGARRETTES” over and over again. So I pulled that car over and waited in the parking lot while she went into the store.
My first inclination after 5 minutes of waiting was that I should just leave this bitch here. Los Angeles is pretty big, I could probably successfully dodge her without even putting any real effort into it. Then I saw some commotion going on in the store. I looked up as Shannon came bursting through the front door of the gas station with a carton of Marlboros tucked under one arm, a bag of chips under the other and a 40oz of mickey’s in each hand. The attendant was chasing her with a broom in his hand and looked like he was ready to clock her if he got close enough. She started screaming at me to start the car. I stood there frozen, this was the last thing I would have ever expected. As she approached the car she caught her foot on a curb and hit the ground like a ton of bricks. The beer bottles shattered and glass was sticking out of her exposed skin, Sun chips were sticking to her bloody chest and cigarettes were scattered all over the ground.
My first inclination was shock and then, I started laughing uncontrollably. I could not believe how dumb this girl was. The gas station attendant approached me as if though I might be a threat. I looked at him and asked him how much all of that stuff was. He said about $30. I paid him the $30. I figured that if he called the cops I could potentially be pegged as an acomplis or a getaway driver.
I picked Shannon up off of the ground and took her into the bathroom to clean her up the best I could. I got a bunch of paper towels to put in the seat of my car to try to keep the blood and beer off. I drove her home. I was so happy to finally get rid of her. She could barely walk so I helped her up to her doorstep and opened her front door for her. She grabbed me and stuck her tongue down my throat. I almost puked. I pushed her off of me and started to walk away. As I was heading down the walk she yelled “wait, aren’t you going to fuck me?” I turned around and looked at her, all covered in beer and blood with her clothes torn up and her hair matted together. Then I said, “I’ll call you” and I walked away. I am sure to this day she still wonders why guys always seem to say I’ll call you and then never do!
Monday, May 14, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Sorry Ladies, I'm Taken
It is difficult to get an appropriate workout when your legs don’t work properly. You are pretty much limited to a couple of cardiovascular exercises and a few weight machines. It has been my dream since I was a teenager to have a perfect body part. I gave up on a perfect body a long time ago and decided that I would settle for just one part. I decided that part would be my abs. So I work on the elliptical machine about 5 times a week. I work through excruciating pain to build endurance in my weak legs and lungs. Then I do as many sit-ups as I can and some light arm workouts. Well I still do not have those perfect abs with that shiny six pack glistening on my stomach but I did have a major breakthrough today that made me feel like I was well on my way.
I have modified my diet. I really try to watch what I eat. I keep sweets away from me because I cannot resist. I eat a lot of Subway when I don’t have time to prepare my own meals and I love Jamba juice. So what is this amazing breakthrough you might ask? Well this morning, after breakfast, as I was getting ready for work……… My pants fell off! That’s right; I am to skinny for my pants. There is about an extra 6-7 inches in there. So now I either need a belt, new pants or a permanent boner in order to hold them up. This is very exciting. (The pants, not the permanent boner.) So this is the portion were I have to stick to the plan and keep moving forward. This is the part where I usually get lazy and slack off, eat an ice cream cone, and order a double serving from Chipotle. Not this time though. I will have those perfect shiny abs by summer, then maybe I will decide to develop another perfect body part:)
I have modified my diet. I really try to watch what I eat. I keep sweets away from me because I cannot resist. I eat a lot of Subway when I don’t have time to prepare my own meals and I love Jamba juice. So what is this amazing breakthrough you might ask? Well this morning, after breakfast, as I was getting ready for work……… My pants fell off! That’s right; I am to skinny for my pants. There is about an extra 6-7 inches in there. So now I either need a belt, new pants or a permanent boner in order to hold them up. This is very exciting. (The pants, not the permanent boner.) So this is the portion were I have to stick to the plan and keep moving forward. This is the part where I usually get lazy and slack off, eat an ice cream cone, and order a double serving from Chipotle. Not this time though. I will have those perfect shiny abs by summer, then maybe I will decide to develop another perfect body part:)
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Don Imus is a "UnNappy Headed White Non Ho!"
UPDATE!!!! CBS FIRED DON IMUS ON 4/12/07 OVER HIS COMMENTS CONCERNING THE RUTGERS BASKETBALL TEAM. AL SHARPTEN IS CALLING THIS A VICTORY AGAINST HATEFUL SPEECH AND CLAIMS THAT THE FIGHT WILL NOT STOP HERE. I AM PATIENTLY AWAITING THE RALLY TO GATHER AND BURN ALL OF THE RAP CDS. ALSO I AM WAITING FOR LUDACRIS TO HAVE HIS GRAMMY TAKEN AWAY. SOMEONE LET ME KNOW WHEN ALL OF THIS HAPPENS SO THE HYPOCRISY CAN END!
I know that I am about to tread on some very dangerous turf here so I will try to be as careful as possible. I have spent the last few days trying to figure out how feel about the whole Don Imus situation. First and foremost I need to clarify some things that many people think have no distinction. I cannot stand Don Imus. It is not because I think that he is vulgar, I just don’t think that he is funny. Howard Stern on the other hand is a similar type of entertainment and I do find him funny. Howard Stern has said some things that are equally offensive towards African Americans but he gets away with it because his co host Robin Quivers is an African American woman. Not to say that Howard hasn’t had his fair share of experiences with racy comments but it does imply a double standard that can be measured by looking at an entertainer like Ludicris winning an Grammy for using language similar if not worse than that of what Don Imus used.
So my initial gut shot reaction here is to turn to the African American community and especially the Rutgers Basketball team, Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson, and say “FUCKING GET OVER IT!” Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are calling for the termination of Don Imus over his comments on his early morning radio show where he referred to the Rutgers Basketball team as “nappy headed ho’s.” Sharpton and Jackson are, of course, outraged! After the plight of the African Americans in this country I feel that I can never be in a place to understand the discrimination and pressures that they go through on a day to day basis. What I am having a problem with is that it is OK for black rappers to say horrible things about women, minorities and even whites in commercial songs but when Don Imus does it he is supposed to be fired!
Our unwillingness to hold black people responsible for their actions and the intensely ingrained political correctness that has become so prevalent in our society keeps us from giving social attention to even the worst atrocities in the world if they are committed by black people or especially a black government. I am sure that the police target and treat African Americans much worse than they do to whites. I am sure that there is discrimination that I don’t get a chance to see because I am a white male. The answer though is to eliminate that discrimination not reverse it. If it is socially acceptable for an African American to say “Niggers and Ho’s” then it should be socially acceptable for white people to say it to.
The Rutgers basketball team says that Don Imus “tainted their moment of glory.” Even Barack Obama chimed in with an attempt to pick up some African American voters for his 2008 presidential bid by saying "I've got two young daughters who I hope will be athletes. And, you know, the notion that somehow they would be degraded and insulted, and that that would pass as humor, and that NBC would be running that over the public airwaves I think is atrocious”
Anyone that went though the public school systems has been called names and degraded. Is it any worse if you are one race over the other? Should we protect some from being called names because they are to fragile but not protect others because they can probably take it? The answer is no. If you live in a country where there is free speech and you are in any way some sort of public figure you are subject to praise, ridicule, and jokes and it doesn’t matter what race you are from. If any of these Rutgers basketball players own a Rap CD from Dr Dre, Snoop Dogg, Ludacris, or any other rappers that use these terms in a derogatory way, then they have no right to be upset over the comments made by Don Imus. This is what is called “Reverse or Selective discrimination.” Now with that being said, there is really no need to make a public statement by firing Don Imus. Let the public decide. If there are enough people that think he is funny and enough sponsors willing to support the show then the show should go on. If no one thinks he is funny and no one listens to him then the show will tank and come off of the air. That is the joy of living in a free market and more importantly, in a free country. With that I will leave you with the lyrics to the chorus of my favorite Snoop Dogg song
So all my bitches and my niggaz and my niggaz and my bitches
Wave your motherfuckin hands in the air
And if you don't give a shit
Like we don't give a shit
Wave your motherfuckin fingers in the air
I know that I am about to tread on some very dangerous turf here so I will try to be as careful as possible. I have spent the last few days trying to figure out how feel about the whole Don Imus situation. First and foremost I need to clarify some things that many people think have no distinction. I cannot stand Don Imus. It is not because I think that he is vulgar, I just don’t think that he is funny. Howard Stern on the other hand is a similar type of entertainment and I do find him funny. Howard Stern has said some things that are equally offensive towards African Americans but he gets away with it because his co host Robin Quivers is an African American woman. Not to say that Howard hasn’t had his fair share of experiences with racy comments but it does imply a double standard that can be measured by looking at an entertainer like Ludicris winning an Grammy for using language similar if not worse than that of what Don Imus used.
So my initial gut shot reaction here is to turn to the African American community and especially the Rutgers Basketball team, Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson, and say “FUCKING GET OVER IT!” Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are calling for the termination of Don Imus over his comments on his early morning radio show where he referred to the Rutgers Basketball team as “nappy headed ho’s.” Sharpton and Jackson are, of course, outraged! After the plight of the African Americans in this country I feel that I can never be in a place to understand the discrimination and pressures that they go through on a day to day basis. What I am having a problem with is that it is OK for black rappers to say horrible things about women, minorities and even whites in commercial songs but when Don Imus does it he is supposed to be fired!
Our unwillingness to hold black people responsible for their actions and the intensely ingrained political correctness that has become so prevalent in our society keeps us from giving social attention to even the worst atrocities in the world if they are committed by black people or especially a black government. I am sure that the police target and treat African Americans much worse than they do to whites. I am sure that there is discrimination that I don’t get a chance to see because I am a white male. The answer though is to eliminate that discrimination not reverse it. If it is socially acceptable for an African American to say “Niggers and Ho’s” then it should be socially acceptable for white people to say it to.
The Rutgers basketball team says that Don Imus “tainted their moment of glory.” Even Barack Obama chimed in with an attempt to pick up some African American voters for his 2008 presidential bid by saying "I've got two young daughters who I hope will be athletes. And, you know, the notion that somehow they would be degraded and insulted, and that that would pass as humor, and that NBC would be running that over the public airwaves I think is atrocious”
Anyone that went though the public school systems has been called names and degraded. Is it any worse if you are one race over the other? Should we protect some from being called names because they are to fragile but not protect others because they can probably take it? The answer is no. If you live in a country where there is free speech and you are in any way some sort of public figure you are subject to praise, ridicule, and jokes and it doesn’t matter what race you are from. If any of these Rutgers basketball players own a Rap CD from Dr Dre, Snoop Dogg, Ludacris, or any other rappers that use these terms in a derogatory way, then they have no right to be upset over the comments made by Don Imus. This is what is called “Reverse or Selective discrimination.” Now with that being said, there is really no need to make a public statement by firing Don Imus. Let the public decide. If there are enough people that think he is funny and enough sponsors willing to support the show then the show should go on. If no one thinks he is funny and no one listens to him then the show will tank and come off of the air. That is the joy of living in a free market and more importantly, in a free country. With that I will leave you with the lyrics to the chorus of my favorite Snoop Dogg song
So all my bitches and my niggaz and my niggaz and my bitches
Wave your motherfuckin hands in the air
And if you don't give a shit
Like we don't give a shit
Wave your motherfuckin fingers in the air
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Speech for my Grandfather's 75th Birthday
My Grandfather is quite possibly one of the most important people in my life. I was not blessed with a plethora of good positive male role models in my youth. My Grandfather has always been a rock of truth and virtue. While some of the lessons that I have learned from him have been verbal and some have been through his actions, all of them have stuck with me. My Grandfather has a P.H.D. in common sense. Many of the things that I have learned from him are things that you would just imagine everyone knows. It becomes clear once you go out and start living your life that this is not the case.
I remember when I got one of my first jobs at a CD store. I would come home from school, lounge around for a while and then leave for work with just barely enough time to make it there for my scheduled shift. One time my Grandfather said to me “Showing up late or right on time shows that you don’t care about your job. If you really care you should be getting there early. You probably won’t have it for very long.” I was fired that week.
I used to think that the best way to sell something was to put it up for a price that was over what you wanted and then bargain with people so that they feel like they got a good deal. I remember my Grandpa questioning my need to “play games” with people. He said I should just put items up for sale for a fair price and I would get it. He has always been right. I can not even count how many times people have told me that they respect the way I do business when I am selling items to them.
I remember one time asking my Grandfather how he knew that he was in love with my Grandmother. He told me that you will know when you are in love because you won’t ever feel the need to question whether or not you are in love. I never knew what that meant until I met my wife Julie. Some people may go their entire life without knowing true love. Not my Grandparents though. They are one of the lucky ones and it shows. On the lighter side of love, when I was really young, I remember asking my Grandfather how you “get a girl to be interested in you.” His answer was simple yet so true. He said “Just be good at something.” Never has more sage advice been given.
I had a job that I absolutely hated when I was a teenager. I remember talking about it with my Grandfather. He gave me some of the best advice I think I have ever heard regarding a career decision. He told me “You are always to young to stay at a job that you hate.” In other words, it is never to late to start over. Let me be the first to say that I have applied this philosophy many times in my personal life and it has led me to a job that I absolutely love.
My Grandfather is a strong man, a loving husband to my Grandmother and just an overall good human being. My Grandfather believes that family comes first and will do everything in his power and more in order to help his family be safe and successful. Recently I was involved in an accident that nearly ended my life. My Grandfather made the difficult decision to not come to see me in the hospital because he was sick at the time and didn’t want to risk giving it to me. When I saw him for the first time a few months later he started crying as he gave me a hug. I always knew that my Grandfather loved me, but this was the first time that I understood the depth.
My Grandfather does not just have this intense love for me but he has it for his entire family. If ever anyone in our family is ever in doubt that they are thought about and loved then they only need to look at the pillar of this family to see that their doubts carry no weight. People like to look to movie stars and athletes to find their heroes. I have had to look no further than the home of my Grandfather who has forever had the greatest influence on the person that I am today.
I remember when I got one of my first jobs at a CD store. I would come home from school, lounge around for a while and then leave for work with just barely enough time to make it there for my scheduled shift. One time my Grandfather said to me “Showing up late or right on time shows that you don’t care about your job. If you really care you should be getting there early. You probably won’t have it for very long.” I was fired that week.
I used to think that the best way to sell something was to put it up for a price that was over what you wanted and then bargain with people so that they feel like they got a good deal. I remember my Grandpa questioning my need to “play games” with people. He said I should just put items up for sale for a fair price and I would get it. He has always been right. I can not even count how many times people have told me that they respect the way I do business when I am selling items to them.
I remember one time asking my Grandfather how he knew that he was in love with my Grandmother. He told me that you will know when you are in love because you won’t ever feel the need to question whether or not you are in love. I never knew what that meant until I met my wife Julie. Some people may go their entire life without knowing true love. Not my Grandparents though. They are one of the lucky ones and it shows. On the lighter side of love, when I was really young, I remember asking my Grandfather how you “get a girl to be interested in you.” His answer was simple yet so true. He said “Just be good at something.” Never has more sage advice been given.
I had a job that I absolutely hated when I was a teenager. I remember talking about it with my Grandfather. He gave me some of the best advice I think I have ever heard regarding a career decision. He told me “You are always to young to stay at a job that you hate.” In other words, it is never to late to start over. Let me be the first to say that I have applied this philosophy many times in my personal life and it has led me to a job that I absolutely love.
My Grandfather is a strong man, a loving husband to my Grandmother and just an overall good human being. My Grandfather believes that family comes first and will do everything in his power and more in order to help his family be safe and successful. Recently I was involved in an accident that nearly ended my life. My Grandfather made the difficult decision to not come to see me in the hospital because he was sick at the time and didn’t want to risk giving it to me. When I saw him for the first time a few months later he started crying as he gave me a hug. I always knew that my Grandfather loved me, but this was the first time that I understood the depth.
My Grandfather does not just have this intense love for me but he has it for his entire family. If ever anyone in our family is ever in doubt that they are thought about and loved then they only need to look at the pillar of this family to see that their doubts carry no weight. People like to look to movie stars and athletes to find their heroes. I have had to look no further than the home of my Grandfather who has forever had the greatest influence on the person that I am today.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
How come punk rockers are smarter than you?
You're wrong by NOFX
You're wrong about virtues of Christianity
You're wrong if you agree with Sean Hannity
If you think that pride is about nationality, you're wrong
You're wrong when you imprison people turning tricks
And you're wrong about trickle down economics
If you think that punk rock doesn't mix with politics, you're wrong
You're wrong for hating queers and eating steers
If you kill for the thrill of the hunt
You're wrong 'bout wearing fur and not hating Ann CoulterCause
she's a cunted cunt
You're wrong if you celebrate Columbus Day
You're wrong if you think there will be a Judgement Day
If you're a charter member of the NRA, you're wrong
You're wrong if you support capital punishmen
You're wrong if you don't question your government
If you think her reproductive rights are inconsequent, you're wrong
You're wrong fighting Jihad, your blind faith in God
Your religions are all flawed
You're wrong about drug use, when its not abuse
I hope you never reproduce
You're getting high on the downlowA victim of Cointelpro
You're wrong and will probably never know
You're wrong about virtues of Christianity
You're wrong if you agree with Sean Hannity
If you think that pride is about nationality, you're wrong
You're wrong when you imprison people turning tricks
And you're wrong about trickle down economics
If you think that punk rock doesn't mix with politics, you're wrong
You're wrong for hating queers and eating steers
If you kill for the thrill of the hunt
You're wrong 'bout wearing fur and not hating Ann CoulterCause
she's a cunted cunt
You're wrong if you celebrate Columbus Day
You're wrong if you think there will be a Judgement Day
If you're a charter member of the NRA, you're wrong
You're wrong if you support capital punishmen
You're wrong if you don't question your government
If you think her reproductive rights are inconsequent, you're wrong
You're wrong fighting Jihad, your blind faith in God
Your religions are all flawed
You're wrong about drug use, when its not abuse
I hope you never reproduce
You're getting high on the downlowA victim of Cointelpro
You're wrong and will probably never know
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
This little piggy
So the weirdest thing happened the other day. As you may already know I was involved in an accident that nearly ended my life. As a result my toes were crushed. My toenails have been slowly growing out and I have waited gleefully for them to be long enough to cut. Every time they are ready I get to cut off some of the dried blood that is crusted between the toenail and the skin. Then recently they started to develop a little fold in them and I noticed that they were peeling up in the middle. I thought that they had split in half and were about to break off. I kept waiting for the time that they would catch on a sock and hurt like hell as I ripped them off with the snagged clothing. Ouch! It turns out that they had already broken though and the toenail had continued to grow underneath the old one. The top damaged piece was still attached when the big toe on my right foot finally caught on something and it came off absolutely painlessly. Upon closer examination I discovered that all of them were the same. Now I was able to break them off by lightly tapping on each of them and then peeling the top layer off. It was like a snake shedding its skin. What was left underneath was reminiscent of a time when my feet looked healthy. With the exception of a few frankenstien style scars on my right foot, my feet look completely normal. No blood, no contusions, just a couple of scars on the top of my foot. Now things will never be completely perfect. My toes still don’t properly rotate on the joint so instead of going up and down they wiggle from side to side. My left foot is slightly turned out and it hampers my ability to walk. My dreams of becoming an NBA all star have most likely been shot but with a minor adjustments to my bindings I might be able to do some mild snowboarding next season. Overall I am happy with my recovery, especially considering the fact that I should probably be dead. Now if I could just stop thinking about starting a vigilante task force to kill drunk drivers, I might be in pretty good shape!
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
The type of man I want to be
The Liberty Of All (1877)
Robert Green Ingersoll
THE LIBERTY OF MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD (excerpts)
Women have been the slaves of slaves; and in my judgment it took millions of ages for woman to come from the condition of abject slavery up to the institution of marriage. Let me say right here, that I regard marriage as the holiest institution among men. Without the fireside there is no human advancement; without the family relation there is no life worth living. Every good government is made up of good families. The unit of good government is the family, and anything that tends to destroy the family is perfectly devilish and infamous. I believe in marriage, and I hold in utter contempt the opinions of those long-haired men and short- haired women who denounce the institution of marriage.
The grandest ambition that any man can possibly have, is to so live, and so improve himself in heart and brain, as to be worthy of the love of some splendid woman; and the grandest ambition of any girl is to make herself worthy of the love and adoration of some magnificent man. That is my idea. There is no success in life without love and marriage. You had better be the emperor of one loving and tender heart, and she the empress of yours, than to be king of the world. The man who has really won the love of one good woman in this world, I do not care if he dies in the ditch a beggar, his life has been a success.
I say it took millions of years to come from the condition of abject slavery up to the condition of marriage. Ladies, the ornaments you wear upon your persons to-night are but the souvenirs of your mother's bondage. The chains around your necks, and the bracelets clasped upon your white arms by the thrilled hand of love, have been changed by the wand of civilization from iron to shining, glittering gold.
But nearly every religion has accounted for all the devilment in this world by the crime of woman. What a gallant thing that is! And if it is true, I had rather live with the woman I love in a world full of trouble, than to live in heaven with nobody but men.
I read in a book -- and I will say now that I cannot give the exact language, as my memory does not retain the words, but I can give the substance -- I read in a book that the Supreme Being concluded to make a world and one man; that he took some nothing and made a world and one man, and put this man in a garden. In a little while he noticed that the man got lonesome; that he wandered around as if he was waiting for a train. There was nothing to interest him; no news; no papers; no politics; no policy; and, as the devil had not yet made his appearance, there was no chance for reconciliation; not even for civil service reform. Well, he wandered about the garden in this condition, until finally the Supreme Being made up his mind to make him a companion.
Having used up all the nothing he originally took in making the world and one man, he had to take a part of the man to start a woman with. So he caused a sleep to fall on this man -- now understand me, I do not say this story is true. After the sleep fell upon this man, the Supreme Being took a rib, or as the French would call it, a cutlet, out of this man, and from that he made a woman. And considering the amount of raw material used, I look upon it as the most successful job ever performed. Well, after he got the woman done, she was brought to the man; not to see how she liked him, but to see how he liked her. He liked her, and they started housekeeping; and they were told of certain things they might do and of one thing they could not do -- and of course they did it. I would have done it in fifteen minutes, and I know it. There wouldn't have been an apple on that tree half an hour from date, and the limbs would have been full of cobs. And then they were turned out of the park and extra policemen were put on to keep them from getting back in.
Devilment commenced. The mumps, and the measles, and the whooping-cough, and the scarlet fever started in their race for man. They began to have the toothache, roses began to have thorns, snakes began to have poisoned teeth, and people began to divide about religion and politics, and the world has been full of trouble from that day to this.
Nearly all of the religions of this world account for the existence of evil by such a story as that……………..
………….In my judgment, the woman is the equal of the man. She has all the rights I have and one more, and that is the right to be protected. That is my doctrine. You are married; try and make the woman you love happy. Whoever marries simply for himself will make a mistake; but whoever loves a woman so well that he says, "I will make her happy," makes no mistake. And so with the woman who says, "I will make him happy." There is only one way to be happy, and that is to make somebody else so, and you cannot be happy by going cross lots; you have got to go the regular turnpike road.
If there is any man I detest, it is the man who thinks he is the head of a family -- the man who thinks he is "boss!" The fellow in the dug-out used that word "boss;" that was one of his favorite expressions.
Imagine a young man and a young woman courting, walking out in the moonlight, and the nightingale singing a song of pain and love, as though the thorn touched her heart -- imagine them stopping there in the moonlight and starlight and song, and saying, "Now, here, let us settle who is boss!'" I tell you it is an infamous word and an infamous feeling -- I abhor a man who is "boss," who is going to govern in his family, and when he speaks orders all the rest to be still as some mighty idea is about to be launched from his mouth. Do you know I dislike this man unspeakably?......................
………………Think of the intellectual strain that must have been upon that man, and when he gets home everybody else in the house must look out for his comfort. A woman who has only taken care of five or six children, and one or two of them sick, has been nursing them and singing to them, and trying to make one yard of cloth do the work of two, she, of course, is fresh and fine and ready to wait upon this gentleman -- the head of the family -- the boss!.....................................
…………………Get the best you can for your family -- try to look as well as you can yourself. When you used to go courting, how elegantly you looked! Ah, your eye was bright, your sleep was light, and you looked like a prince. Do you know that it is insufferable egotism in you to suppose a woman is going to love you always looking as slovenly as you can! Think of it! Any good woman on earth will be true to you forever when you do your level best.
Some people tell me, "Your doctrine about loving, and wives, and all that, is splendid for the rich, but it won't do for the poor." I tell you to-night there is more love in the homes of the poor than in the palaces of the rich. The meanest hut with love in it is a palace fit for the gods, and a palace without love is a den only fit for wild beasts. That is my doctrine! You cannot be so poor that you cannot help somebody. Good nature is the cheapest commodity in the world; and love is the only thing that will pay ten per cent to borrower and lender both. Do not tell me that you have got to be rich! We have a false standard of greatness in the United States. We think here that a man must be great, that he must be notorious; that he must be extremely wealthy, or that his name must be upon the putrid lips of rumor. It is all a mistake. It is not necessary to be rich or to be great, or to be powerful, to be happy. The happy man is the successful man.
Happiness is the legal tender of the soul…………………
………………………..It is not necessary to be great to be happy; it is not necessary to be rich to be just and generous and to have a heart filled with divine affection. No matter whether you are rich or poor, treat your wife as though she were a splendid flower, and she will fill your life with perfume and with joy.
And do you know, it is a splendid thing to think that the woman you really love will never grow old to you. Through the wrinkles of time, through the mask of years, if you really love her, you will always see the face you loved and won. And a woman who really loves a man does not see that he grows old; he is not decrepit to her; he does not tremble; he is not old; she always sees the same gallant gentleman who won her hand and heart. I like to think of it in that way; I like to think that love is eternal. And to love in that way and then go down the hill of life together, and as you go down, hear, perhaps, the laughter of grandchildren, while the birds of joy and love sing once more in the leafless branches of the tree of age.
I believe in the fireside. I believe in the democracy of home. I believe in the republicanism of the family. I believe in liberty, equality and love.
Robert Green Ingersoll
THE LIBERTY OF MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD (excerpts)
Women have been the slaves of slaves; and in my judgment it took millions of ages for woman to come from the condition of abject slavery up to the institution of marriage. Let me say right here, that I regard marriage as the holiest institution among men. Without the fireside there is no human advancement; without the family relation there is no life worth living. Every good government is made up of good families. The unit of good government is the family, and anything that tends to destroy the family is perfectly devilish and infamous. I believe in marriage, and I hold in utter contempt the opinions of those long-haired men and short- haired women who denounce the institution of marriage.
The grandest ambition that any man can possibly have, is to so live, and so improve himself in heart and brain, as to be worthy of the love of some splendid woman; and the grandest ambition of any girl is to make herself worthy of the love and adoration of some magnificent man. That is my idea. There is no success in life without love and marriage. You had better be the emperor of one loving and tender heart, and she the empress of yours, than to be king of the world. The man who has really won the love of one good woman in this world, I do not care if he dies in the ditch a beggar, his life has been a success.
I say it took millions of years to come from the condition of abject slavery up to the condition of marriage. Ladies, the ornaments you wear upon your persons to-night are but the souvenirs of your mother's bondage. The chains around your necks, and the bracelets clasped upon your white arms by the thrilled hand of love, have been changed by the wand of civilization from iron to shining, glittering gold.
But nearly every religion has accounted for all the devilment in this world by the crime of woman. What a gallant thing that is! And if it is true, I had rather live with the woman I love in a world full of trouble, than to live in heaven with nobody but men.
I read in a book -- and I will say now that I cannot give the exact language, as my memory does not retain the words, but I can give the substance -- I read in a book that the Supreme Being concluded to make a world and one man; that he took some nothing and made a world and one man, and put this man in a garden. In a little while he noticed that the man got lonesome; that he wandered around as if he was waiting for a train. There was nothing to interest him; no news; no papers; no politics; no policy; and, as the devil had not yet made his appearance, there was no chance for reconciliation; not even for civil service reform. Well, he wandered about the garden in this condition, until finally the Supreme Being made up his mind to make him a companion.
Having used up all the nothing he originally took in making the world and one man, he had to take a part of the man to start a woman with. So he caused a sleep to fall on this man -- now understand me, I do not say this story is true. After the sleep fell upon this man, the Supreme Being took a rib, or as the French would call it, a cutlet, out of this man, and from that he made a woman. And considering the amount of raw material used, I look upon it as the most successful job ever performed. Well, after he got the woman done, she was brought to the man; not to see how she liked him, but to see how he liked her. He liked her, and they started housekeeping; and they were told of certain things they might do and of one thing they could not do -- and of course they did it. I would have done it in fifteen minutes, and I know it. There wouldn't have been an apple on that tree half an hour from date, and the limbs would have been full of cobs. And then they were turned out of the park and extra policemen were put on to keep them from getting back in.
Devilment commenced. The mumps, and the measles, and the whooping-cough, and the scarlet fever started in their race for man. They began to have the toothache, roses began to have thorns, snakes began to have poisoned teeth, and people began to divide about religion and politics, and the world has been full of trouble from that day to this.
Nearly all of the religions of this world account for the existence of evil by such a story as that……………..
………….In my judgment, the woman is the equal of the man. She has all the rights I have and one more, and that is the right to be protected. That is my doctrine. You are married; try and make the woman you love happy. Whoever marries simply for himself will make a mistake; but whoever loves a woman so well that he says, "I will make her happy," makes no mistake. And so with the woman who says, "I will make him happy." There is only one way to be happy, and that is to make somebody else so, and you cannot be happy by going cross lots; you have got to go the regular turnpike road.
If there is any man I detest, it is the man who thinks he is the head of a family -- the man who thinks he is "boss!" The fellow in the dug-out used that word "boss;" that was one of his favorite expressions.
Imagine a young man and a young woman courting, walking out in the moonlight, and the nightingale singing a song of pain and love, as though the thorn touched her heart -- imagine them stopping there in the moonlight and starlight and song, and saying, "Now, here, let us settle who is boss!'" I tell you it is an infamous word and an infamous feeling -- I abhor a man who is "boss," who is going to govern in his family, and when he speaks orders all the rest to be still as some mighty idea is about to be launched from his mouth. Do you know I dislike this man unspeakably?......................
………………Think of the intellectual strain that must have been upon that man, and when he gets home everybody else in the house must look out for his comfort. A woman who has only taken care of five or six children, and one or two of them sick, has been nursing them and singing to them, and trying to make one yard of cloth do the work of two, she, of course, is fresh and fine and ready to wait upon this gentleman -- the head of the family -- the boss!.....................................
…………………Get the best you can for your family -- try to look as well as you can yourself. When you used to go courting, how elegantly you looked! Ah, your eye was bright, your sleep was light, and you looked like a prince. Do you know that it is insufferable egotism in you to suppose a woman is going to love you always looking as slovenly as you can! Think of it! Any good woman on earth will be true to you forever when you do your level best.
Some people tell me, "Your doctrine about loving, and wives, and all that, is splendid for the rich, but it won't do for the poor." I tell you to-night there is more love in the homes of the poor than in the palaces of the rich. The meanest hut with love in it is a palace fit for the gods, and a palace without love is a den only fit for wild beasts. That is my doctrine! You cannot be so poor that you cannot help somebody. Good nature is the cheapest commodity in the world; and love is the only thing that will pay ten per cent to borrower and lender both. Do not tell me that you have got to be rich! We have a false standard of greatness in the United States. We think here that a man must be great, that he must be notorious; that he must be extremely wealthy, or that his name must be upon the putrid lips of rumor. It is all a mistake. It is not necessary to be rich or to be great, or to be powerful, to be happy. The happy man is the successful man.
Happiness is the legal tender of the soul…………………
………………………..It is not necessary to be great to be happy; it is not necessary to be rich to be just and generous and to have a heart filled with divine affection. No matter whether you are rich or poor, treat your wife as though she were a splendid flower, and she will fill your life with perfume and with joy.
And do you know, it is a splendid thing to think that the woman you really love will never grow old to you. Through the wrinkles of time, through the mask of years, if you really love her, you will always see the face you loved and won. And a woman who really loves a man does not see that he grows old; he is not decrepit to her; he does not tremble; he is not old; she always sees the same gallant gentleman who won her hand and heart. I like to think of it in that way; I like to think that love is eternal. And to love in that way and then go down the hill of life together, and as you go down, hear, perhaps, the laughter of grandchildren, while the birds of joy and love sing once more in the leafless branches of the tree of age.
I believe in the fireside. I believe in the democracy of home. I believe in the republicanism of the family. I believe in liberty, equality and love.
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