Worst Date ever

There are a lot of interesting characters in Los Angeles. If you spend any significant amount of time there you are pretty much guaranteed to cross paths with many of them. What I want to tell you about though is a date I had with someone who would probably qualify as the most psychotic girl in the world

I was sitting in a coffee shop in Redondo Beach, doing homework, with headphones on. It was pretty obvious by my body language that I was not interested in conversation and that I did not want to be bothered by anyone. A cute little red head that I had noticed on the way in came and sat next to me, looked me in the eye, smiled and with a cheerful yet chirping voice said “hi!” Any other time I might have decided to run game on her, but I was not interested in anyone’s company so I looked directly at her and in a not so polite tone said “go away!” She looked at me and said “my name is Shannon.” I said, “look I am really busy right now and I don’t have time to talk to you.” She said “no problem, take my phone number and call me when you have time.” OK then, that was pretty cool. I tucked the phone number in my wallet for a rainy day.

A few weeks later while on a dry spell I decided to call Shannon up and take her out for sushi, then take her to my place and have sex with her. We went to sushi, had a great conversation and tons of sake. She seemed pretty cool until after I picked up the bill and she started complaining that she couldn’t believe that I only spent $50 on her. This is actually fairly common in Los Angeles. Many girls are just looking for guys to spend money on them whether or not they have an intention to sleep with him, or are even interested in him at all. I promptly told her that I wasn’t spending $50 on her and demanded that she coughed up $25 for her half. She stormed out of the restaurant and I walked down to Hermosa Beach to have some drinks with my friends.

A couple of weeks later I was hanging out at my house in Torrance when my cell phone rang. It was Shannon. She said she was sorry for being such a bitch and that she wanted to come over. Since it was 1 am I figured that this sounded like a promising booty call. She came over, and just wanted to talk After an hour, much to her dismay I kicked her out. She called me a week later and said that she wanted to go out for drinks. I told her I was short on money and she said she was buying. Well if nothing else, I couldn’t say no to free drinks. I went and had drinks with her, we talked all night, she kissed me good night and we parted ways.

When I lived in Los Angeles I had a fairly effective rule for not getting bled dry by gold diggers. If I didn’t get laid by the third date then I didn’t call them back. See I don’t really mind spending money on a girl…………. as long as I am getting laid. Shannon tried calling me repeatedly over the next month. I never picked up the phone when she called and I never returned her messages. Finally after a month I got a message from her that went something like this.

“ I know why you aren’t calling me, your one of those three date guys, your not calling me because I didn’t fuck you, what do you want, you want me to suck your cock, you wanna fuck in public, you want me to bring a friend right now, I thought we were more than that, but fine, if that is all you want, then come fuck me right now, fuck me anyway you want, lets fuck, lets do it, if that makes you happy, call me and we will fuck tonight, you fucking lousy asshole, come over here and fuck me right goddamn now!!!”

This message went on for about 6 minutes. There were only two logical responses to a voicemail like this. The first one is to play it for all of your friends. The second is to drive over to the girl’s house and fuck her. I opted to act on both options.

I showed up at Shannon’s house, walked in, and started to take off her shirt. She stopped me and asked if we could go out for a drink first. I sighed and said fine. We went to a bar about 4 miles down the road on Pacific Coast Highway. After about 3 pitchers of beer she was starting to get really shitty and emotional. She started crying, something about a love in a past life or some weird shit like that. I was so turned off by her that I told her to get in the car. I was just going to take her home and accept my losses.

While driving her home she said “you’re not going to fuck me, are you?” I looked at her and said, “anything is possible.” Then she said “pull over at this gas station, I need cigarettes.” I told her that I was not pulling over, that she could go out and get cigarettes after I dropped her off at home. At this point she started beating her fist and her head on the dash of the car while screaming “PULL OVER THE FUCKING CAR RIGHT NOW AND LET ME GET SOME FUCKING CIGARRETTES” over and over again. So I pulled that car over and waited in the parking lot while she went into the store.

My first inclination after 5 minutes of waiting was that I should just leave this bitch here. Los Angeles is pretty big, I could probably successfully dodge her without even putting any real effort into it. Then I saw some commotion going on in the store. I looked up as Shannon came bursting through the front door of the gas station with a carton of Marlboros tucked under one arm, a bag of chips under the other and a 40oz of mickey’s in each hand. The attendant was chasing her with a broom in his hand and looked like he was ready to clock her if he got close enough. She started screaming at me to start the car. I stood there frozen, this was the last thing I would have ever expected. As she approached the car she caught her foot on a curb and hit the ground like a ton of bricks. The beer bottles shattered and glass was sticking out of her exposed skin, Sun chips were sticking to her bloody chest and cigarettes were scattered all over the ground.

My first inclination was shock and then, I started laughing uncontrollably. I could not believe how dumb this girl was. The gas station attendant approached me as if though I might be a threat. I looked at him and asked him how much all of that stuff was. He said about $30. I paid him the $30. I figured that if he called the cops I could potentially be pegged as an acomplis or a getaway driver.

I picked Shannon up off of the ground and took her into the bathroom to clean her up the best I could. I got a bunch of paper towels to put in the seat of my car to try to keep the blood and beer off. I drove her home. I was so happy to finally get rid of her. She could barely walk so I helped her up to her doorstep and opened her front door for her. She grabbed me and stuck her tongue down my throat. I almost puked. I pushed her off of me and started to walk away. As I was heading down the walk she yelled “wait, aren’t you going to fuck me?” I turned around and looked at her, all covered in beer and blood with her clothes torn up and her hair matted together. Then I said, “I’ll call you” and I walked away. I am sure to this day she still wonders why guys always seem to say I’ll call you and then never do!