Thursday, July 19, 2007

The Personality Defect Test

Take the test Click here

Your Score: Smartass
You are 100% Rational, 71% Extroverted, 57% Brutal, and 85% Arrogant.

You are the Smartass! You are rational, extroverted, brutal, and arrogant. In fact, you could very well be the anti-Christ, as you are almost the exact opposite of everything Jesus was supposed to be. While Jesus says love your enemy, you say love beating the crap out of your enemy. While Jesus raises the dead, you raise hell. While Jesus walks on water, you tend to sink. You probably consider people who are emotional and gentle to be big pussies who are obviously in lesser stature than you. You have many flaws, despite your seeming intelligence and cool-headedness. For instance, you aren't very nice. In fact, you're probably an asshole. And you are conceited and self-centered. Not only that, but you are very loud and vocal about all this, seeing as how you are extroverted. There is no better way to describe you than as a "smartass", I'm afraid. Perhaps just "ass" would do, too. But that's a little less literary and descriptive. At any rate, your main personality defect is the fact that you are self-centered, mean, uncaring, and brutally logical.


To put it less negatively:

1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.

4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.


Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Emo Kid.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

A different take on Gas prices!!!

I am in favor of high gas prices. I am sick of hearing people whine about high gas prices. I wish that gas prices were higher. I would like to see gas around $5-6 per gallon. Here are my reasons.

Reason #1- Less cars on the road! High gas prices will stop a certain portion of people from driving. It will force people to use public transportation or ride a bicycle. This may benefit some of those fat and lazy assholes that are always cutting people off. It will keep people with old cars that can’t afford to pass emissions from being able to afford gas as well. This will have the added benefit of cleaner air in our cities. Even those that still could afford to drive would likely drive less and find alternatives when they were available.

Reason #2- It seems like poor people are shitty drivers. They drive crappy cars and they just don’t care. I am always getting cut off by some piece of crap pinto that is blowing black smoke out of the exhaust pipe. In many cases uneducated equals shitty job equals poor pay equals poor person equals shitty driver. High gas prices would take the ability to drive away from the poor and the uneducated. This would be a huge bonus to the safety of our roadways. These people are the same people that think that they can lower gas prices by circulating emails telling people not to buy gas on Tuesdays. OK idiots, so then everyone just gets their gas on Mondays or Wednesdays instead!?!? The same amount of money will be spent throughout the week anyways. Even though it makes no difference I always make sure to buy some gas on one of those boycott days whether I need it or not.

Reason #3- Let’s punish those jackasses that buy an SUV the size of three highway lanes. If you want to drive a car that gets 3 miles to the gallon so that you can look like your favorite rap star, then that is fine. But you will have to get a second job to be able to afford it. Less SUVs means a cleaner environment.

Reason #4- If gas prices get high enough and enough people seriously can’t afford to buy gas then we will be forced to look for alternative energy sources. If we are not getting all of our energy from other countries then there will be no need for us to send out troops to those countries to be involved in their affairs.

Reason #5- Because driving and low gas prices are not your right. All of you red blooded American rednecks out there need to understand that this is a world economy now. We are not self sufficient. If the stock market takes a dive in china, then we get affected. If there is a problem with oil production, supply and demand will shoot up the price. So you have some options. Buy a more fuel efficient car, ride a bike, take public transportation. Your hard work and intelligence put you in the place that you are currently at in life. You made it happen, it did not happen to you. If you find that you cannot afford to do certain things that you want to do, then you either need to get a second job, get a better job, or shut the fuck up and accept your lot in life to be mediocre.

I have absolutely no issues with paying extra for the “privilege” of driving. In fact I think that this spike in gas prices is long overdue. You do not get to have everything in life handed to you. It takes away from those of us who have busted our asses our whole life to get to where we are. Your time is over, ours have come, and gas prices are just the start.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Worst Date ever

There are a lot of interesting characters in Los Angeles. If you spend any significant amount of time there you are pretty much guaranteed to cross paths with many of them. What I want to tell you about though is a date I had with someone who would probably qualify as the most psychotic girl in the world

I was sitting in a coffee shop in Redondo Beach, doing homework, with headphones on. It was pretty obvious by my body language that I was not interested in conversation and that I did not want to be bothered by anyone. A cute little red head that I had noticed on the way in came and sat next to me, looked me in the eye, smiled and with a cheerful yet chirping voice said “hi!” Any other time I might have decided to run game on her, but I was not interested in anyone’s company so I looked directly at her and in a not so polite tone said “go away!” She looked at me and said “my name is Shannon.” I said, “look I am really busy right now and I don’t have time to talk to you.” She said “no problem, take my phone number and call me when you have time.” OK then, that was pretty cool. I tucked the phone number in my wallet for a rainy day.

A few weeks later while on a dry spell I decided to call Shannon up and take her out for sushi, then take her to my place and have sex with her. We went to sushi, had a great conversation and tons of sake. She seemed pretty cool until after I picked up the bill and she started complaining that she couldn’t believe that I only spent $50 on her. This is actually fairly common in Los Angeles. Many girls are just looking for guys to spend money on them whether or not they have an intention to sleep with him, or are even interested in him at all. I promptly told her that I wasn’t spending $50 on her and demanded that she coughed up $25 for her half. She stormed out of the restaurant and I walked down to Hermosa Beach to have some drinks with my friends.

A couple of weeks later I was hanging out at my house in Torrance when my cell phone rang. It was Shannon. She said she was sorry for being such a bitch and that she wanted to come over. Since it was 1 am I figured that this sounded like a promising booty call. She came over, and just wanted to talk After an hour, much to her dismay I kicked her out. She called me a week later and said that she wanted to go out for drinks. I told her I was short on money and she said she was buying. Well if nothing else, I couldn’t say no to free drinks. I went and had drinks with her, we talked all night, she kissed me good night and we parted ways.

When I lived in Los Angeles I had a fairly effective rule for not getting bled dry by gold diggers. If I didn’t get laid by the third date then I didn’t call them back. See I don’t really mind spending money on a girl…………. as long as I am getting laid. Shannon tried calling me repeatedly over the next month. I never picked up the phone when she called and I never returned her messages. Finally after a month I got a message from her that went something like this.

“ I know why you aren’t calling me, your one of those three date guys, your not calling me because I didn’t fuck you, what do you want, you want me to suck your cock, you wanna fuck in public, you want me to bring a friend right now, I thought we were more than that, but fine, if that is all you want, then come fuck me right now, fuck me anyway you want, lets fuck, lets do it, if that makes you happy, call me and we will fuck tonight, you fucking lousy asshole, come over here and fuck me right goddamn now!!!”

This message went on for about 6 minutes. There were only two logical responses to a voicemail like this. The first one is to play it for all of your friends. The second is to drive over to the girl’s house and fuck her. I opted to act on both options.

I showed up at Shannon’s house, walked in, and started to take off her shirt. She stopped me and asked if we could go out for a drink first. I sighed and said fine. We went to a bar about 4 miles down the road on Pacific Coast Highway. After about 3 pitchers of beer she was starting to get really shitty and emotional. She started crying, something about a love in a past life or some weird shit like that. I was so turned off by her that I told her to get in the car. I was just going to take her home and accept my losses.

While driving her home she said “you’re not going to fuck me, are you?” I looked at her and said, “anything is possible.” Then she said “pull over at this gas station, I need cigarettes.” I told her that I was not pulling over, that she could go out and get cigarettes after I dropped her off at home. At this point she started beating her fist and her head on the dash of the car while screaming “PULL OVER THE FUCKING CAR RIGHT NOW AND LET ME GET SOME FUCKING CIGARRETTES” over and over again. So I pulled that car over and waited in the parking lot while she went into the store.

My first inclination after 5 minutes of waiting was that I should just leave this bitch here. Los Angeles is pretty big, I could probably successfully dodge her without even putting any real effort into it. Then I saw some commotion going on in the store. I looked up as Shannon came bursting through the front door of the gas station with a carton of Marlboros tucked under one arm, a bag of chips under the other and a 40oz of mickey’s in each hand. The attendant was chasing her with a broom in his hand and looked like he was ready to clock her if he got close enough. She started screaming at me to start the car. I stood there frozen, this was the last thing I would have ever expected. As she approached the car she caught her foot on a curb and hit the ground like a ton of bricks. The beer bottles shattered and glass was sticking out of her exposed skin, Sun chips were sticking to her bloody chest and cigarettes were scattered all over the ground.

My first inclination was shock and then, I started laughing uncontrollably. I could not believe how dumb this girl was. The gas station attendant approached me as if though I might be a threat. I looked at him and asked him how much all of that stuff was. He said about $30. I paid him the $30. I figured that if he called the cops I could potentially be pegged as an acomplis or a getaway driver.

I picked Shannon up off of the ground and took her into the bathroom to clean her up the best I could. I got a bunch of paper towels to put in the seat of my car to try to keep the blood and beer off. I drove her home. I was so happy to finally get rid of her. She could barely walk so I helped her up to her doorstep and opened her front door for her. She grabbed me and stuck her tongue down my throat. I almost puked. I pushed her off of me and started to walk away. As I was heading down the walk she yelled “wait, aren’t you going to fuck me?” I turned around and looked at her, all covered in beer and blood with her clothes torn up and her hair matted together. Then I said, “I’ll call you” and I walked away. I am sure to this day she still wonders why guys always seem to say I’ll call you and then never do!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Sorry Ladies, I'm Taken

It is difficult to get an appropriate workout when your legs don’t work properly. You are pretty much limited to a couple of cardiovascular exercises and a few weight machines. It has been my dream since I was a teenager to have a perfect body part. I gave up on a perfect body a long time ago and decided that I would settle for just one part. I decided that part would be my abs. So I work on the elliptical machine about 5 times a week. I work through excruciating pain to build endurance in my weak legs and lungs. Then I do as many sit-ups as I can and some light arm workouts. Well I still do not have those perfect abs with that shiny six pack glistening on my stomach but I did have a major breakthrough today that made me feel like I was well on my way.

I have modified my diet. I really try to watch what I eat. I keep sweets away from me because I cannot resist. I eat a lot of Subway when I don’t have time to prepare my own meals and I love Jamba juice. So what is this amazing breakthrough you might ask? Well this morning, after breakfast, as I was getting ready for work……… My pants fell off! That’s right; I am to skinny for my pants. There is about an extra 6-7 inches in there. So now I either need a belt, new pants or a permanent boner in order to hold them up. This is very exciting. (The pants, not the permanent boner.) So this is the portion were I have to stick to the plan and keep moving forward. This is the part where I usually get lazy and slack off, eat an ice cream cone, and order a double serving from Chipotle. Not this time though. I will have those perfect shiny abs by summer, then maybe I will decide to develop another perfect body part:)

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Don Imus is a "UnNappy Headed White Non Ho!"

UPDATE!!!! CBS FIRED DON IMUS ON 4/12/07 OVER HIS COMMENTS CONCERNING THE RUTGERS BASKETBALL TEAM. AL SHARPTEN IS CALLING THIS A VICTORY AGAINST HATEFUL SPEECH AND CLAIMS THAT THE FIGHT WILL NOT STOP HERE. I AM PATIENTLY AWAITING THE RALLY TO GATHER AND BURN ALL OF THE RAP CDS. ALSO I AM WAITING FOR LUDACRIS TO HAVE HIS GRAMMY TAKEN AWAY. SOMEONE LET ME KNOW WHEN ALL OF THIS HAPPENS SO THE HYPOCRISY CAN END!

I know that I am about to tread on some very dangerous turf here so I will try to be as careful as possible. I have spent the last few days trying to figure out how feel about the whole Don Imus situation. First and foremost I need to clarify some things that many people think have no distinction. I cannot stand Don Imus. It is not because I think that he is vulgar, I just don’t think that he is funny. Howard Stern on the other hand is a similar type of entertainment and I do find him funny. Howard Stern has said some things that are equally offensive towards African Americans but he gets away with it because his co host Robin Quivers is an African American woman. Not to say that Howard hasn’t had his fair share of experiences with racy comments but it does imply a double standard that can be measured by looking at an entertainer like Ludicris winning an Grammy for using language similar if not worse than that of what Don Imus used.
So my initial gut shot reaction here is to turn to the African American community and especially the Rutgers Basketball team, Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson, and say “FUCKING GET OVER IT!” Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are calling for the termination of Don Imus over his comments on his early morning radio show where he referred to the Rutgers Basketball team as “nappy headed ho’s.” Sharpton and Jackson are, of course, outraged! After the plight of the African Americans in this country I feel that I can never be in a place to understand the discrimination and pressures that they go through on a day to day basis. What I am having a problem with is that it is OK for black rappers to say horrible things about women, minorities and even whites in commercial songs but when Don Imus does it he is supposed to be fired!
Our unwillingness to hold black people responsible for their actions and the intensely ingrained political correctness that has become so prevalent in our society keeps us from giving social attention to even the worst atrocities in the world if they are committed by black people or especially a black government. I am sure that the police target and treat African Americans much worse than they do to whites. I am sure that there is discrimination that I don’t get a chance to see because I am a white male. The answer though is to eliminate that discrimination not reverse it. If it is socially acceptable for an African American to say “Niggers and Ho’s” then it should be socially acceptable for white people to say it to.
The Rutgers basketball team says that Don Imus “tainted their moment of glory.” Even Barack Obama chimed in with an attempt to pick up some African American voters for his 2008 presidential bid by saying "I've got two young daughters who I hope will be athletes. And, you know, the notion that somehow they would be degraded and insulted, and that that would pass as humor, and that NBC would be running that over the public airwaves I think is atrocious”
Anyone that went though the public school systems has been called names and degraded. Is it any worse if you are one race over the other? Should we protect some from being called names because they are to fragile but not protect others because they can probably take it? The answer is no. If you live in a country where there is free speech and you are in any way some sort of public figure you are subject to praise, ridicule, and jokes and it doesn’t matter what race you are from. If any of these Rutgers basketball players own a Rap CD from Dr Dre, Snoop Dogg, Ludacris, or any other rappers that use these terms in a derogatory way, then they have no right to be upset over the comments made by Don Imus. This is what is called “Reverse or Selective discrimination.” Now with that being said, there is really no need to make a public statement by firing Don Imus. Let the public decide. If there are enough people that think he is funny and enough sponsors willing to support the show then the show should go on. If no one thinks he is funny and no one listens to him then the show will tank and come off of the air. That is the joy of living in a free market and more importantly, in a free country. With that I will leave you with the lyrics to the chorus of my favorite Snoop Dogg song

So all my bitches and my niggaz and my niggaz and my bitches
Wave your motherfuckin hands in the air
And if you don't give a shit
Like we don't give a shit
Wave your motherfuckin fingers in the air

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Speech for my Grandfather's 75th Birthday

My Grandfather is quite possibly one of the most important people in my life. I was not blessed with a plethora of good positive male role models in my youth. My Grandfather has always been a rock of truth and virtue. While some of the lessons that I have learned from him have been verbal and some have been through his actions, all of them have stuck with me. My Grandfather has a P.H.D. in common sense. Many of the things that I have learned from him are things that you would just imagine everyone knows. It becomes clear once you go out and start living your life that this is not the case.
I remember when I got one of my first jobs at a CD store. I would come home from school, lounge around for a while and then leave for work with just barely enough time to make it there for my scheduled shift. One time my Grandfather said to me “Showing up late or right on time shows that you don’t care about your job. If you really care you should be getting there early. You probably won’t have it for very long.” I was fired that week.
I used to think that the best way to sell something was to put it up for a price that was over what you wanted and then bargain with people so that they feel like they got a good deal. I remember my Grandpa questioning my need to “play games” with people. He said I should just put items up for sale for a fair price and I would get it. He has always been right. I can not even count how many times people have told me that they respect the way I do business when I am selling items to them.
I remember one time asking my Grandfather how he knew that he was in love with my Grandmother. He told me that you will know when you are in love because you won’t ever feel the need to question whether or not you are in love. I never knew what that meant until I met my wife Julie. Some people may go their entire life without knowing true love. Not my Grandparents though. They are one of the lucky ones and it shows. On the lighter side of love, when I was really young, I remember asking my Grandfather how you “get a girl to be interested in you.” His answer was simple yet so true. He said “Just be good at something.” Never has more sage advice been given.
I had a job that I absolutely hated when I was a teenager. I remember talking about it with my Grandfather. He gave me some of the best advice I think I have ever heard regarding a career decision. He told me “You are always to young to stay at a job that you hate.” In other words, it is never to late to start over. Let me be the first to say that I have applied this philosophy many times in my personal life and it has led me to a job that I absolutely love.
My Grandfather is a strong man, a loving husband to my Grandmother and just an overall good human being. My Grandfather believes that family comes first and will do everything in his power and more in order to help his family be safe and successful. Recently I was involved in an accident that nearly ended my life. My Grandfather made the difficult decision to not come to see me in the hospital because he was sick at the time and didn’t want to risk giving it to me. When I saw him for the first time a few months later he started crying as he gave me a hug. I always knew that my Grandfather loved me, but this was the first time that I understood the depth.
My Grandfather does not just have this intense love for me but he has it for his entire family. If ever anyone in our family is ever in doubt that they are thought about and loved then they only need to look at the pillar of this family to see that their doubts carry no weight. People like to look to movie stars and athletes to find their heroes. I have had to look no further than the home of my Grandfather who has forever had the greatest influence on the person that I am today.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

How come punk rockers are smarter than you?

You're wrong by NOFX

You're wrong about virtues of Christianity
You're wrong if you agree with Sean Hannity
If you think that pride is about nationality, you're wrong
You're wrong when you imprison people turning tricks
And you're wrong about trickle down economics
If you think that punk rock doesn't mix with politics, you're wrong
You're wrong for hating queers and eating steers
If you kill for the thrill of the hunt
You're wrong 'bout wearing fur and not hating Ann CoulterCause
she's a cunted cunt
You're wrong if you celebrate Columbus Day
You're wrong if you think there will be a Judgement Day
If you're a charter member of the NRA, you're wrong
You're wrong if you support capital punishmen
You're wrong if you don't question your government
If you think her reproductive rights are inconsequent, you're wrong
You're wrong fighting Jihad, your blind faith in God
Your religions are all flawed
You're wrong about drug use, when its not abuse
I hope you never reproduce
You're getting high on the downlowA victim of Cointelpro
You're wrong and will probably never know